I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
