I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
