no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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