just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
