I want to stick my p in your. b.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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