While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
