We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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