she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
