I am in a vortex of obligation.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
