I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Found your dick twin last night
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You dont lie about slip and slides
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
