u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
