Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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