my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
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