Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
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I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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