YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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