My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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