i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
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I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
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Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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