U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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