I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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