Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
