I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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