I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
