normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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