just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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