peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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