She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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