When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Just invented taco cereal.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I love you. Go after that dick
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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