so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
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