Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
