Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
