they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
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he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
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You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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