i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
