did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Randomize
