Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
