I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
