I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
