I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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