Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
