I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
