At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
