i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
