FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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