I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
