I'm laying in your front yard are you home
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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