Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
