Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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