Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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