Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
