i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
