Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
