the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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