i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
