Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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