did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
