I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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