I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
