So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I think I just shit out all my problems.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
