i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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