at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
