Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
My bed smells like the plague
Randomize
