Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
